


Born To Be Your Snack-y

by Soulstarsinger (soulstar)



Series: Summer Snacks [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Bad Puns, Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, I Don't Even Know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-12-11
Updated: 2000-12-11
Packaged: 2018-02-08 14:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1944888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulstar/pseuds/Soulstarsinger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harmony persuades Spike to take her to a concert. He's determined to get something out of it.</p>
<p>Set in the summer between Seasons 4 and 5. Mentions of past Spike/Harmony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Born To Be Your Snack-y

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote almost all of this fic before I'd even heard anything about Season 5, so it's set firmly in the summer between Seasons 4 & 5\. Harmony doesn't know about Spike's chip. Apologies for the appallingly tacky title, which is a riff off of the Britney Spears song "Born To Make You Happy".  
> SPOILERS: Season 4 - bits of Harsh Light of Day, The Initiative, Pangs.  
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters who appear here... Spike & Harmony belong to Joss, and the real people belong to themselves. I bear them no ill-will, and mean them no harm whatsoever in real life!

It was early evening. Spike was lounging in his crypt, listening to the Sex Pistols on his newly-stolen Discman. As the CD spun to an end, he became aware of a knocking on the door. He decided to ignore it, but cracked one eye open just in case. After a few more seconds, the knocking stopped, and he relaxed again.

He reached out to press Play, but froze as the door slowly creaked open. He silently slid off of his tomb, and crossed to stand behind the door, pulling a gun - one of the many useful things he'd found on the person of last week's late visitor - from his pocket. Remembering his previous experiences, he firmly thought non-hurting thoughts as he raised and aimed it.

"Spiiiiike.... Spikey, are you in there?" an all-too-familiar voice called out.

Spike lowered the gun and groaned. This was the last thing he needed. The door opened a little further, and a blonde head peered in.

"Helloooooo...... Anyone home?"

Spike sighed, and stepped forward. "Hello Harm. What are you doing here?"

She swung to face him. "Ooo, there you are!" She mock-pouted. "We're you hiding from little me? But how can you _live_ here? Dismal, much! There's not even any real furniture..."

"Harm! What are you _doing_ here?"

She stopped in mid-flow and blinked at him, the smiled coyly and twirled a strand of hair round one finger. "We're friends, aren't we, Spikey?"

He stared at her, astonished. "Errr... well..."

"I mean, sure you staked me, but I tried to stake you back, so we're quits on that, right?" she continued blithely. "And I've really grown as a person since I've been dead, so I can forgive you for all the mean things you said and did... and I burned your stuff which really helped, too." By this point, Spike could do no more than gape at her, "...so yeah, I read somewhere that just cuz you had a bad break-up doesn't mean you have to let the hate go on, and all that. And we do still have stuff in common, right? We're, like, both dead... and blonde..." She finally trailed off.

"Uhhh... yeah." Spike managed, trying to sort through the clutter for something that made sense.

"Oooo!" she squealed. "So we are friends, then! That's so cool! Cuz, friends do stuff for each other and with each other, don't they?"

Spike began to feel really apprehensive. "I suppose," he muttered, trying to sound non-committal.

"Great! So you'll do it? For me? It's like, nothing huge, really. Just one evening."

At this point, Spike's Harmony-tolerance ran out. "HARM!" he grabbed her shoulder and shook her. "Will you just tell me what the _hell_ you're blathering on about!"

She stared at him, then giggled. "Ooo, violence! Does that mean we're more than just good friends?"

He dropped her shoulder as if it burned. "No it bloody does not! And we're not even going to be nodding acquaintances if you don't start talking English."

Harmony tossed her head and pouted. "Spoilsport. You don't have to be mean. I just want you to take me to a concert tomorrow."

Spike narrowed his eyes. "A concert. What sort of concert?"

"A music one, silly! See, I killed these girls, and they had tickets, and this _really_ cool car and everything, only I can't drive cuz Daddy never got around to getting me lessons, and I'm _not_ going on the bus - eww! But I reeeeeeally wanna go..."

Spike closed his eyes. He could, he figured, just tell the chit to sod off and have done with it. But on the other hand, an out of town concert would, well, get him out of town for a night, and hopefully give him the opportunity to cause a bit of minor mayhem at least. And maybe the music (which couldn't be _that_ bad, could it?) would drown out Harmony's yattering. Oh yeah, and then there was...

"Alright, I'll do it." He announced, continuing firmly over Harmony's delighted squeal. "On _one condition_ \- I get to keep the car."

Harmony's face fell. "Uhhh..."

"Oh, c'mon Harm, you said you can't drive. What good is it to you?"

She heaved a theatrical sigh. "Oh, I guess... if you promise to give me driving lessons."

"Right then, that's sorted, so I'll let you get on. Meet you here at sunset tomorrow." Spike hustled Harmony out of the door, ignoring her last comment, and closed it in her surprised face. "Really have to get a lock on that bloody thing." He muttered to himself, leaning against the wall. He had a sneaking feeling that it was a big mistake getting involved with Harmony again, even if it was just for one evening that he was gaining a car from. "Bugger, should've made her tell me who's playing at this gig. Better not be some boy-band. Bugger, bugger, bugger!"

*****

'Boom! Boom! Boom!' Bombs exploded in Spike's dream, then were quickly followed by a gory shower of human body parts. Spike stood, blood drenched but unharmed in the midst of the carnage, laughing his head off. 'Boom! Boom! Boom!' ... 'Boom! Boom! Boom!'

"Spiiiiiiiiiiiiike!!" 'Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!' Oh, that wasn't right. The dream fizzled out as he became aware that the booming was actually someone banging on his newly locked and bolted door.

"Spiii-iiike!" Harmony's voice rang out again. Spike groaned, rubbed a hand over his face, and peered at his expensive wristwatch (another thing he'd acquired from last week's 'visitor'). Then he blinked, and looked again.

"Oh, bloody hell." He slid off his tomb and stomped to the door, standing well behind it as he pulled it open. Harmony bounced in, shook water from her umbrella all over the floor, and beamed at him, oblivious to his glare.

"Ready?" she asked.

"Do I look ready?! It's two in the bloody afternoon! What're you doing here at this time?"

"Oooo, look who got off the wrong side of the tomb! In case you hadn't noticed, it's all grey and rainy, so I figured we could maybe go now, and then we could see the support acts, too."

Spike stared at her, stared at his watch, then stared back at her again. "Harm, exactly what time does this thing start?" he asked carefully.

"5pm. But the main bit isn't til about 8. If we go now, we'll have time to get parking and see everything!"

Spike decided not to ask how Harm had been expecting to see the concert at all if the weather had been good, since the sun didn't set til well after 8pm at this time of year. He sighed, picked up his duster, and shrugged it on.

"OK, let's get going then." He winced slightly as Harmony squealed and bounced in excitement.

"Oh, this is gonna be so cool!" She grabbed his hand and pulled him through the door into the overcast day. "And just _wait_ til you see the car!"

*****

Spike could feel himself staring again. So he blinked a few times. And then stared some more.

"Isn't it _great_?" Harmony enthused.

Spike stared again at the hulking monstrosity that was Harm's - and now his - Cadillac Convertible.

"It's pink." Spike replied flatly. "It's a bloody pink car with _no roof_."

Harmony's face crumpled. "Don't be so mean! It has got a roof, too! If you don't like it, _I'll_ keep it, and..."

"Oh no," Spike butted in "I didn't say it hasn't got potential." He walked around the car, running a hand across the bonnet. "Keys." He held out a hand, and Harmony reluctantly gave them over. Spike hopped over the driver's side door and slid the ignition key into place. He glanced around the interior. Oh yes, definite potential. And tinted windows, no less. "Hop in, then." he called to Harmony, and once she'd obeyed, hit the button which brought the roof up. "Sweet." he grinned to himself as it quietly covered them.

"But can't we have the hood down?" Harmony complained.

"Yeah Harm, great plan. Especially if the sun comes out."

"But... but it's all cloudy."

Spike shrugged. "I'm not taking the risk. You wanna get to this concert, or end up as a pile of dust on a pink leather seat?"

Harmony just glowered at him. "Meanie." she muttered.

Spike smirked, and started the engine, revving it up. "LA, here we come."

*****

Two hours later, tense silence reigned in the car, broken only by the music playing on the one radio station they'd both agreed on.

"How much _longer_?" Harmony whined for the 50th time. Spike just glared at her. "But it _starts_ soon."

"Well, if you'd remembered to put some bloody petrol in this thing, we wouldn't have had to risk getting fried and push it for three miles, and we'd be there by now!" he snapped.

"It's called gas."

"Petrol."

"Gas!"

"PETROL!"

*****

"Thank fuck for that." Spike muttered beneath his breath another 30 minutes later, when Harmony suddenly squealed

"That's it!" and pointed to a road sign with 'Stadium - 1 mile' on it.

Spike swerved into the correct lane, giving the finger to the motorists who honked horns and yelled at him.

"Wankers. And there'd better be some bloody parking round this place."

"It says there is, on the tickets." Harmony ventured. "There's a little map and everything."

Spike made an exasperated noise, snatched one of the tickets away from her, and peered at it. "You want to tell me _why_ you didn't think to mention this before?"

Harmony giggled. "Ooops!"

Spike turned the ticket over. "Harm..."

"Mmm-hmm?"

"BRITNEY and CHRISTINA?! You're making you take you to a Britney and Christina concert? Yeah, I should've asked, but I didn't think that even your taste in music was that bad!"

"Well they're a squillion times better the sucky old Sex Pistols, or those Buzzsocks, or whatever they're called!"

"Right, that's it, we're going home!" Spike braked abruptly, causing the cars around and behind them to squeal and swerve to avoid a collision.

"Don't you dare!" Harmony shrieked. "You promised! Pleeeeeeease..." she abruptly changed tacks, fluttering her eyelashes up at him.

Spike groaned and banged his head against the steering wheel. "Alright, alright. But just don't even tell me who the supporting act are."

*****

By 7pm, Spike was just about ready to try ripping the chip out of his own head. He didn't know who the disgustingly chirpy boy-band on the stage were, but he desperately wanted to eviscerate the lot of them. And not only that, but he hadn't yet managed to lose Harmony, who was bobbing away, singing along, and occasionally screaming if one of the him-bos showed a bit of skin.

"Harm!" he yelled in her ear as the boy-band bowed off to deafening teenage screams. "Can we find something a bit more fun to do?"

"Ooo baby." she snuggled up against him. "If that's what you want..."

He chuckled to himself. She had some serious front, he'd give her that. "Actually, pet, I was thinking of stepping backstage, seeing who we can see." And scare the crap out of, he added silently.

Harmony's eyes widened. "Really? Come on then - there's only an hour to the main show, and I don't wanna miss that!"

"Bugger." Spike muttered under his breath as they began to shove their way through the crowd. As they reached the backstage entrance, Harmony faltered.

"Uhhh... how d'we get in? There's like, security guards by the door."

Spike sighed. "Harm, how long have you been a vampire?" He cut her off as she began to open her mouth to answer. "Haven't you noticed how most people react when they see your vampire face?"

Light dawned. "Ohhhhhh! So we..."

"Yes. On the count of three."

They walked up to the door, and sure enough, the two security guards stepped up to warn them off. And then jumped backwards as the two vampires shifted into snarling game-face. Harm got in a lucky backhand, and knocked hers out, while Spike lunged at the one nearest to him, wondering what he was going to do if the man didn't run. Luckily, before things got too painful, the guard tripped on some of the electrical wires that were strewn across the floor. Spike hurriedly hauled Harmony, who had been about to bite the first guard, upwards and through the stage door.

"What did you do that for?" she complained. "I'm hungry!"

"Uhhh... he would've tasted bad." Spike improvised. "We'll find you something younger and nicer in here - and you'll be able to eat in private."

"Oh, that's so sweet of you!"

"Yeah, whatever. Come on. And try to look like you should be in here."

The pair strolled off, nodding hellos to the various harassed looking people they passed.

"What's that noise?" Harmony asked suddenly.

Spike cocked his head. "Sounds like screaming. Unfortunately not of the terrified kind."

"Hmm, weird. And it's getting louder."

Spike frowned. "Did I close that door behind us?" They both turned and looked back the way they'd come, to see a mass of people surge around the corner, with the two security guards trying ineffectually to stop them. "Ah, guess not. Well, bollocks to getting squashed by that lot." He turned the handle of the nearest door, shoved Harmony through, and quickly followed. The sight of two blonde girls glaring daggers at one another greeted him. As the door slammed behind the vampires, the pair turned to stare at them instead.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my dressing room?" the girl nearest to Spike demanded.

" _My_ dressing room." the other girl ground out, her jaw tight. The first girl turned back to glare at her again, and Spike took advantage of their distraction to quickly lock the door.

The second girl suddenly seemed to remember that they weren't alone, and turned to smile sweetly at Spike.

"Sorry, did you want my autograph?"

He stared at her, confused. "What for?"

"Spike!!" Harmony (who until this point had been staring open-mouthed) elbowed him in the ribs. Then she pasted on her best smile and stepped forward. "Hi, my name's Harmony, and I'm just your _huge_ -est fan. Both of you! I mean, when I heard about this concert, I was like, 'Wow! I'd kill to get tickets!' And _then_ it turned out that these girls I killed _anyway_ , had tickets! I was so psyched! So I got Spikey to drive us, and here I am, and now I've got to _meet_ you too, and this is like, the best day ever!"

"Oh... That's great," the more polite seeming girl replied, obviously confused. "So are you a fan too?" she asked Spike, fluttering her eyelashes a little.

He leered back. "Should I be?"

"Oh, ignore him." Harmony cut in. "He's way old, and _so_ stuck in the 70's it's untrue. Spike, these are Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears!"

"Hi Spike." Britney purred, stepping forward and deftly elbowing Christina out of the way. "I just love your accent. Very sexy..."

Both Christina and Harmony stared indignantly as Britney smiled seductively as Spike, running one finger down the front of his coat.

"You can't help yourself, can you? Just get off him you vapid little tart!" Christina suddenly snapped, apparently reaching breaking point. Britney gasped, and swung to face her.

"How _dare_ you?! All those people out there are here to see me, not you!"

"If they knew what you were really like, they wouldn't come within a million miles of you!" Christina paused for breath, then delivered her killer statement. "And you're not even a real blonde!"

Britney's eyes widened. "Well, yours is like straw!" she shrieked, and the two flew at each other, yanking handfuls of insulted hair.

Spike cracked up laughing, while Harmony stared at her idols in horror. "No... stop... stop it!" she wailed. The pair ignored her, continuing their cat-fight. Harmony's face darkened. "I said stop!" she yelled. This still had no effect, so she vamped out, growling angrily, then lunged forward and joined the fray, banging Christina and Britney's heads together with a loud crack. They both stumbled back, then Britney took in Harmony's altered face and opened her mouth to scream. She was cut off by Harmony punching her hard, sending her flying across the room to land with a sickening thud. "That'll teach you to ignore me!" Harmony spat, then rounded on the terrified Christina.

Spike grinned as he watched Harm, impressed despite himself. He was itching to join in the violence, though, so as Harm grabbed Christina's throat and sank her fangs in, he decided to experiment and see if he could bite unconscious people. Nimbly he hopped over the low sofa that Britney had fallen behind - and found her lying in a heap with her head at a rather interesting angle.

"Oh well." he muttered. "Guess I'll have to try that out another day. And I think I'll hurry up and eat this one while she's still warm..."

*****

Spike had almost finished draining the body, and was just pausing to savour the moment when he heard an indignant squeal. Turning his head, he saw Harmony standing above him, hands on hips.

"You killed Britney!"

Spike opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before recovering. "Well, you killed Christina. And... and they both deserved it for being so nasty to you, baby." he improvised. He saw that Harmony was beginning to melt, so he held out the body. "I saved you some."

Harmony simpered with delight. "Oh, Spikey, that's so sweet!" She took the proffered body and drank with gusto. "Hmm, I think Christina actually tasted better." She shrugged. "Oh well. What shall we do now?"

"Well seeing as we've just put the kibosh on the main act of this concert, I think we should get out of here, don't you?" Spike suggested.

Harm gasped. "Oh no!" she wailed. "I totally hadn't even thought of that! Now I'll never get to see them sing!"

Spike groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Oh for..."

*****

A while later, having successfully sneaked out of the backstage area among a group of roadies, Spike stood with Harm in the middle of the crowd and sniggered to himself as he listened to the shaky-voiced announcement that due to a tragic accident, Britney and Christina would not be appearing. Apparently, there would also be a few routine security checks on the door on the way out. The cops wouldn't find any fingerprints - he'd made sure of that. Yep, he decided, he was glad he'd come. It'd been a fun night after all.

END


End file.
